HELL IS REAL
The majority of my early twenties I spent convinced that I would probably be married by my mid to late twenties. I wanted a husband, a house, a dog and babies. I have NO IDEA why I wanted that, why I so adamantly SEARCHED for a husband in each one of my boyfriends. I pushed for serious relationships, I wanted to have it figured out. My last relationship opened my eyes to something completely different. My ex was almost everything I would look for in a spouse. We moved in together a month after we started officially dating and we had a great relationship for the most part. Now, younger Maia would’ve been a pinterest wedding board and engagement ring album deep but I wasn’t. I already bought the house I wanted, I already had the dog I wanted, I hadn’t even contemplated kids, I wasn’t thinking about where I’d want to honeymoon. Hearing the story as a third party outsider it would just sound like he wasn’t “the one,” nothing really groundbreaking- only it was. My ex was probably the closest I have ever gotten to someone I could see myself being with forever when compared to my other exes, yet I was in no hurry to plan our wedding and force him into a life of suburban bliss. The change in my perspective was almost overnight. All the things I had once talked about wanting started to look like my personal version of hell. I remember the exact moment I decided I didn’t want children, I was driving back to Columbus from Erie, on the highway, jamming to music and thinking and suddenly it dawned on me that I didn’t HAVE to have children. That thought had never really occurred to me before, for me having kids was like going to college, you’re supposed to do it so you do it. But when that thought popped into my head it felt like a weight rose from my shoulders, my eyes stung and I smiled at no one. A life changing epiphany in the middle of butt fuck Ohio.
The Coalition for Fun Drunk Aunts
Why? Why did I suddenly not want kids? My answer is simultaneously selfish and selfless. I used to joke that it was cruel of my parents to bring me INVOLUNTARILY into this really fucked up world, haha yeah mom you have to pay my cell phone bill even though I am 26 because I didn’t ask to be born, haha. Funny, until you think of the amount of pain you’ve felt in your life, and then you think about bringing someone into this world that you will inevitably love more than ANYTHING else, and you do this KNOWING that they also will go through pain and hurt and sadness and who the fuck knows maybe they’ll get kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. Like you really don’t fucking know so why do that to another human being simply for some strange, primal, selfish desire to procreate AND FOR WHAT?? So you can take your monthly baby pics and feel validated by your 104 likes? I mean yeah I know having a child is way more than that but boiled down to its simplest form, having a kid seems pretty selfish so by not partaking- I’d like to call myself a selfless martyr for the Anti-Procreation Cause also known as the Coalition for Fun Drunk Aunts. Then there’s the part of me that refuses to be tied down. The selfish part of me that wants to spend my money on bottles of wine enjoyed while nestled in the cliffs of Santorini with no obligation to anyone but myself.
Step Mommy Maia
Recently I met a guy, we connected instantly in that weird “I’ve known you forever” way. It wasn’t until after that connection became obvious that I found out he was 25 years old and divorced with a child. It was pretty clear that he was an all in or all out type of guy even though we’d literally hung out a total of 3 times so I was forced to make a decision. Do I pursue this relationship with a man who will forever be tied to wherever his child is? It was a pretty quick, hard no. It had less to do with the child’s existence and more to do with the fact that I know myself well, I’d never be happy being a second priority and having to sacrifice and rearrange my life to suit the needs of this man and his child. During the discussion that ended this relationship he said a lot of things that made me realize just how stringently polar opposite our views on life and love were. He said “if I make you happy then I can’t even believe we are having this conversation,” “is logic more important to you than connection?” My response was yeah you’ve made me happy in our short time together but holy fuck dude you know what else makes me happy? smoking weed and not being responsible for someone else’s happiness. And this brings me to my closing thought, brought to you courtesy of adderall fueled car ride chats with Bella.
A Life of Endless Meet Cutes
I saw a tweet that said something like “How do you know you’ve found your soulmate? They’re the 3rd person you date in your late twenties.” And I was like daaaaamn, they’re really calling my generation out because that seems pretty on brand for a lot of people I know. I shared this thought with Bella and she basically said this…you can fall in love ANYWHERE, anywhere in this world you can fall in love, there are 7.7 BILLION people in this world, there is no ONE SINGULAR person for anyone, this mythical person doesn’t exist solely to bump into you at your hometown country fair. Your hands don’t brush as they hold the door for you- triggering a giggle and the eventual exchange of numbers which turns into a soulmate style love affair with a spark that never dies because you two were MADE for each other. Because you can fall in love ANYWHERE and more importantly you don’t ever have to STOP falling in love. You can live your whole life repeatedly falling in love, each love might be different and some might feel better but you are the only person who can stop yourself from falling in love.
and THAT to me is why logic trumps love. That to me is why I can make the calculated decision to leave someone I clearly have a connection with on the basis that it isn’t logically ideal. I have my whole life to fall in love over and over again and I know that. My decision on marriage will be made IF I fall in love with someone and it makes such deep, wholesome sense that the war between rationality and emotion couldn’t possibly have a decisive champion because logic and love no longer point in different directions.
Love this.